On feeling nothing - Nihil In Studiis

Dear Mr. Mill,

At one point in your life, you will see yourself in a situation where all the things you have fought so hard are going nowhere. I don’t know where the realization is coming but you definitely realize that there is indeed something wrong with you. You feel nothing one day – totally detaching yourself from all the emotion that humans have, totally having your own set of understanding about everything that happens and you cared less. The beauty of being in this kind of situation is the nothingness that you feel. You may even force yourself to feel – just to show that you’re damn interested. But you can’t. You feel nothing. You are nothing.

Then another situation comes. The most unexpected of situations. The one that requires you not to feel but you feel anyways. It’s a bitch as that. You are caught feeling everything when you are supposed to be feeling empty. Don’t get me wrong. Most of the time, I desire to be a normal human being. I desire to feel everything that people are supposed to feel in specific situations, but when that time comes, I just can’t. Most of the time, I just feel like a robot. I fake emotions just so people would not know the difference. I pretend to be happy with what they are doing for me, eventhough I don’t feel anything inside. After a long and tiring day, a friend makes an effort to make me smile but I smile just for the sake of smiling, not because I am happy. I pretend to feel things, I try to feel things just to understand what I needed to understand in certain situations – but I can’t. It normally happens in the most unexpected time. In my most vulnerable time – when I am alone.

I can’t really say that I need you to fill me with all the emotion stuff, Mr. Mill. You know me, I am the trying-hard philosophy fan. You are the expert in all I need to know. You know what to say when I need to hear it. You are the philosopher that I need to explain to me everything it is I need to understand about the world. Why this and that happens? How come this and that happen? I really don’t know. I just want you to know how I’m feeling and tell me why I am feeling this. I feel empty. Emptier than the first time you ever saw me.