I feel like I have thrown four years of what I learned in college away. I am a journalist by profession. I should be out there conquering the world with my words, I should be out there telling people what they needed to know, I should be out there delivering all the necessary information the public should know – but instead, I am stuck in a world where I am constantly neglecting all the things I have sworn to do. I am no pen-pusher. I am but an accessory to some shallow system. I swore to write for my myself, for passion, for justice, for equality. But what am I writing about now? God-forsaken products that no one really bothers to buy? Things that don’t really matter? I constantly lie about what I write just for the sake of fulfilling the duty I signed up for when I got hired by the company? I studied journalism for a reason. I didn’t just got out there, wasted my life on everything we have to go through, only to throw it all away. Just like that.
I yearn to make my voice heard. I yearn to make a change. I yearn to take a stand. I’m yearning for nothing now. This is a breaking point. This is not a stand. Making a stand means leaving this crappy job behind, finding the open window and trying my best to recreate my life there. The funny thing is, I was listening to Fireworks on my way home and I almost cried hearing this lyrics, “Maybe a reason why all the doors are closed so you could open one that leads you to the perfect road.” I will never grow tired of looking for that perfect road.
Being used at work
I spend majority of my life writing about non-sense things. I spend every day with an empty heart and an empty soul. I guess that’s what happens when you don’t really enjoy what you are doing. Yes, it can be fun sometimes. All those people who share the same frustrations as you have has become the reason why I hold on. I am not alone on that aspect, you see. These people are as frustrated as I am. They have their dreams and they are big. Yet they are confined to this macrocosm, trying their best to survive each day, trying their best not to lose themselves. But how can you not lose sense? How can you not feel used when you know that the people who are paying you are not giving the due amount of recognition and compensation that you deserve? I always go to work. No matter how hard I try to justify their actions towards people working under them, I just can’t. I always do everything they ask me to do. I write all those crappy articles, those pointless topics, the dumb instructions of the clients and what do I get? Compensation less than what a construction worker gets in one day of work. Maybe it’s wrong to compare it to them because I have always believed that they all deserve more than the pay they are getting after working their ass off for people who don’t even recognize what they do. They are mere puppets. They are mere robots who should follow what is told or else they’ll suffer the worst fate of them all. I am a mere puppet. The worst part of being in this system is the fact that they don’t even recognize the efforts I have exerted just because I haven’t met their desired number of finished articles in a day. I feel used. I feel being robbed of the chance to grow because of what they are doing to me. I know, I should quit. But I can’t for the single reason that my pride can’t feed me, my pride can’t pay for my rent, my pride will not bring me anywhere. It will just pull me down. It will just feed from my continuing failure and I pity myself so much.
Being used by people you care about
They say that when you decide to help the people you care for, the people you love, you should not expect anything in return. As I may have been doing that, I can’t help but wonder why most of the time, I am the one giving everything. They will be good to me, they will start treating me right when they need something from me. When they finally got what they want, we are back to being those cold people again. I may be wrong in expecting as I may be wrong in assuming that I am used but for years now, that has been the pattern. Nothing has really changed. One favor day is equal to one great day. One normal day is equal to nothing. If it has escaped you, I have feelings. I may be on the verge of losing it with my soul, but I know what you are doing. I know where this is going and I am afraid that the day would come, when I can’t even give anything, I will be left alone. I would be lonelier than I am today, than the past years. In all honesty, I think I can recount those moments that I am truly happy. I think I can enumerate all those times I was genuinely pleased about everything that’s happening around me and in all honesty, it all happened in the first few months of the 2-year love affair. It is as serious as that. I am not making things up, I am merely stating the facts.
I have never really cared for myself that much in the past years. I have prioritized the needs of other people that I am left with nothing. While walking back home today, I realized what I did to myself. Caring so much for other people made me lonely. And I pretty much remember the last time I ever thought of giving something for myself. I know I shouldn’t be stressing much about selfish rants, but I have to have something for myself. I don’t have a family to feed but I can’t even buy anything for myself to make me happy. I cut on my eating allowance just so I could last with the money I have for another week. The moment I get my monthly compensation, they’re there. Asking me for money. Asking me for the fruits of my month-long stress battle with a job I don’t even like anymore. It’s totally fine with me if they need it badly, I just don’t want them making me feel useless when they don’t even need anything for me. I am not a provider of all your needs. I have my needs, too. And I have my life to live. You can even consider it a blessing that I never ask anything in return, that I never leave their side. That I am just there waiting to be recognized as me, not because of what I can give.
"So don't let them take your life for granted. You're the only one who needs to rule your world. When life leaves you feeling empty-handed, light it up and show 'em what you're worth."
- Firework, Boyce Avenue
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