From Makati to Edsa

..and this is what happens when your friend is impatient to traffic. We have to walk from Makati to EDSA. And just like that :)

Finis

When I’m gone, nobody will probably notice – except the people who need something from me. they are the people that suck the life out of me. Every single day of my life, I feel used, I feel used by the same people that I should be getting strength from. I feel used by my family, all the single time. It may be a shallow of an issue – money – but at one point, you will start to question your existence because of that goddamn thing that makes the world go round. I have been dealing shit every single fucking day, my friends know that, and I don’t care if other people wouldn’t. I don’t expect other people to understand me, to listen to everything that I have to say. Just respect me. Respect the fact that even after everything shitty going on in my life, I continue to do the things I’m supposed to do for the single reason that I don’t want to be called a failure. I continue to do the things I do every day even though I am tired of everything just because I want to hold on to something and actually get something in the end. I continue to be a human machine just so no one will be disappointed at what I would not become. But what now? What do they expect me to do? I want out. I want to say goodbye to this world and all the shit it gives me. For months now, I must admit, I am thinking about killing myself just for the purpose of stopping other people to stop using me so their life will be better. Whatever they did in the past was not my fault. Sometimes I wish no one dared to revive me when I was born dead. That way, I don’t have to look at my life as non-sense. My existence is based on people needing me. My existence is based on people who want something from me all the time. When I cannot give anything, I am at fault. When I kill myself, probably, they would stop – or they’ll find another person to commit suicide for them. Sometimes I wish that a car would just hit me and I die on the spot. Sometimes I wish I would never have to wake up and deal will all the crap they’re waiting to let me deal with. I don’t know until when I can go on like this. I just want to disappear, leave this world band just end it like that. Just like that.

De spe et disappointments.

Sometimes it gets frustrating when you think about something good to happen, and it didn’t. Maybe, the saying about “expecting less for less disappointment” is true. But how could I not expect when every day, I wait for a certain ray of light to just hit him and give me the reassurance that I have been waiting for. OK, I may sound too unrealistic, but wouldn’t you want someone to tell you that they love you and that they are happy with you, without you asking it from them? I saw, with my own eyes, how different he treated me when I was there behind him and I saw how bad it felt when the next thing I know, we were back to square one – or at least, I am back to square one. I am supposed to be happy today, because finally after a long while, he’s back to being the sweet guy I know, but well, it’s as fast as that. I feel like shit again. Stupid me.

On being in an abusive relationship - Dum in se maledicta

This is from a friend's article at work. I just have to repost this, Mr. Mill. I just have to. Cos it's just for me. LOLOLOL :D


DISCLAIMER: This is an article I have to write for my job. I just thought it would be nice to post it here. :>


It all starts with self worth. The way you see yourself is how other people will see you, will treat you. Why? Because how you see yourself is how you will project yourself to other people. And when it comes to relationships, there must be a balance between self worth and love for the other.


But what if it gets too much? On those nights that you weep in silence and on those mornings that you try to hide your puffy eyes. Your eyes used to sparkle, your smile? Beaming. You used to feel giddy and silly and happy. What happened?


Life happened, dear. People and things change, everything does. But despite that, you hold on, you fight for the relationship, you refuse to let go. That is commendable, that makes you a strong individual. A person so beautiful and selfless enough to put someone over the self. A person who just loves, who trusted and hoped for great days and hugs and kisses and love. And in some unfortunate way, the person you love turned into someone you don’t know anymore, someone who makes you feel used and unwanted. The person who put you on a pedestal, who expressed love for you so fervently then now makes you feel like a worthless person. What happened?


Love is sacrificing, yes. But there are limits and breaking points where you either stay or go. Moments that would either break you or break you, it is now a matter of which is the lesser evil, which would hurt less. Think about all those times that you suffered in silence. Those times that you shared your heart’s burden to the person you love, but like everything, it was left ignored and unheard. Remember those nights that you waited on the dinner table until the food becomes cold, those nights that you see happy couples and you have to immediately draw in strength from yourself just so your eyes would remain dry, those nights that you blamed yourself. Feel the gripping pain in your heart as you listen to the songs that reminded you of happy days and to the songs that talk about your pain, remember the times that you hoped and said “Maybe this time, things will be better.” But they never did. Think about all those things and think about the happy days. Think about how he made you feel special on random moments and how he used to sing for you. Read his love letters, his texts and posts on Facebook. Believe when he says “I love you.” And beat yourself up the next day because you believed. Give him another chance, like all the other previous chances you gave him. And watch him ruin it all over again. Then be happy again. Then be crushed again. Until you run out of bandages to fix your broken heart.


How will you know if enough is enough? How long do you hold on to abusive relationships? How many apologies and reconciliations are needed before you finally say it’s over? How long will you believe on unhealthy relationships that ruin you more and more everyday? How long will you have to go through so much pain when in the first place, you know you could have something better. When will you reclaim your self worth?


Abusive relationships are downward spirals. There are relationship issues that could be talked over and fixed and there are also cases that the relationship in itself is already the problem. You can never make a relationship work alone, it is always a two way street.


Know your worth. Choose Happiness.


Know that you have all the right in the world to be happy.


Know that there are so many people out there who will love you, who love you. If only you will give them a chance.


Know that you need to give yourself a chance. Give happiness a chance.


Never forget that you are a beautiful person. A person who deserves so much better. A person who can still pursue that dream, who still have so many options. There are so many people who are willing to help you and save you from abusive relationships. You can still start a new and move forward. Be open to life. Live life and please, love yourself.

There's this strong urge to talk to you. Listen to me, Mr. Mill.

Recordantes Et Nihil Sentiens

"Everyday, we meet people on the worst day of their lives." - Gil Grissom, CSI Las Vegas

So here comes another realization from the night before. It may take me forever to realize things, it may even cost me a lot of wake up calls before I get into some realizations but I couldn’t care less. For as long as I know that I’m still sane and I am keeping my head above the water, I’ll be okay – if not for long, at least for a certain period of time.

For the past days, I have found refuge in walking. It has become an escape of some sorts. I usually take the longest route home, now. And for some unknown reason, it feels good. Well, after all, there’s really nothing to expect when I get home except for a cold room with a cold bed. For the past days, I am feeling the urge to detach myself from the world. I mean, it’s nothing really personal, but I just have to take a day off. I have to keep track of where my mind is going. For the past days, I have been realizing that walking gives me the time to enjoy what I am left with. For unknown reasons, walking long, busy roads give me the sense of motivation to keep walking. I may not see something great about people’s eyes everyday but at least I know that some of them may be as empty as I am. They may be alive, but who knows if they’re dead inside – like me.

I don’t really want to sound overly emotional most of the time. Truth of the matter is, this is not my emotional side talking. This is my side that doesn’t care about anything. I have been so used to being too emotional that at some point in the way, I stopped feeling things I’m supposed to feel. There is a hollow spot inside me, something like the feeling you get when you have just eaten a whole load of food but still feel hungry. Well, something like that happens inside me almost every day. I feel like a zombie. It feels good sometimes – not being able to understand why you’re feeling nothing, why you’re feeling empty. It’s amazing when I look back at my life before this and how I find the questions I can’t answer up to now. So, on my way home, a thought struck me. It was the kind of thought that left me wondering all night long. It’s not really something serious but I just have to ask myself the same questions my friends ask me on an occasional basis: Why do I hang on? Why do I keep my hands tied? Why won’t I get the fact that I am tortured emotionally? And the answer came, “I don’t know”.

I don’t really know why I always hang on to people who torture me emotionally. I guess that’s how attention-seeking I am. I guess that’s how desperate I am. I grew up without getting much attention, you see. I have two brothers that are better than me and they always get the attention at everything. The only attention I got – for as long as I can remember – was when I started college, when I went to a prestigious University ad that was about it. I hang on to people who torture me emotionally because maybe, they’re still the people I want to be with. Because maybe, they are the people I want attention from. They give me the attention I want when no one else would dare look at me, when no one else notices my existence. As shallow as it may be, I hang on to this kind of people for the simple reason that even though all they do is torture me, they know I exist. I don’t know, maybe that’s just how it goes for me. That’s what I’m supposed to deal with until I can finally let go. I really don’t know cos I don’t care. I just feel nothing and yes, it contributes to the hollow feeling, but it’s fine. I mean, it’s totally OK.

PS. I really wanted to quote a message I sent a friend a year and a week ago about something remotely close to this, "Idk if my actions speak of what I have in mind but I have been growing tired. Yet I want to hang in there... It's the only place that I feel secure." Guess nothing's really changed in the past year.

When will I see you again?

This may not come as much of a surprise. But, I pretty much wish that he remembers everything… I pretty much wish that you could take away all the hurt I don’t want to speak about, Mr. Mill. I’m better off keeping everything to myself nowadays, but I still need you to listen to me. I want you to remember and I want him to remember too. You are two of the people I want in my life no matter what. That may be conflicting, yes, but I don’t really care. Please remember me once more.

Vis Amari

Dear Mr. Mill,

Last night, I was about to post a hate blog. That's the least I want, you know.  I don't want to stress you on things like that. It was something stupid. I am too angry to even write well. For the sake of no argument, I admit that I am wrong in letting other people treat me the way they want to. I am wrong in being the all-understanding sonuvabitch that rants everytime I get hurt. Right now, I don't want to talk. I just want myself to listen to one song, this:

"Without passion, my words are nothing." - Sine Passione, Non Verba Mea

..and now, I don’t have to deal with the feeling that I am slow at making progress because I am trained for quality. 

Quality and accuracy is what I know, not quantity. It doesn’t really matter how many words register to the log because it doesn’t change the world

. I’d rather have a 400-word life-changing output under my name. Without passion, my words are nothing. 

On feeling nothing - Nihil In Studiis

Dear Mr. Mill,

At one point in your life, you will see yourself in a situation where all the things you have fought so hard are going nowhere. I don’t know where the realization is coming but you definitely realize that there is indeed something wrong with you. You feel nothing one day – totally detaching yourself from all the emotion that humans have, totally having your own set of understanding about everything that happens and you cared less. The beauty of being in this kind of situation is the nothingness that you feel. You may even force yourself to feel – just to show that you’re damn interested. But you can’t. You feel nothing. You are nothing.

Then another situation comes. The most unexpected of situations. The one that requires you not to feel but you feel anyways. It’s a bitch as that. You are caught feeling everything when you are supposed to be feeling empty. Don’t get me wrong. Most of the time, I desire to be a normal human being. I desire to feel everything that people are supposed to feel in specific situations, but when that time comes, I just can’t. Most of the time, I just feel like a robot. I fake emotions just so people would not know the difference. I pretend to be happy with what they are doing for me, eventhough I don’t feel anything inside. After a long and tiring day, a friend makes an effort to make me smile but I smile just for the sake of smiling, not because I am happy. I pretend to feel things, I try to feel things just to understand what I needed to understand in certain situations – but I can’t. It normally happens in the most unexpected time. In my most vulnerable time – when I am alone.

I can’t really say that I need you to fill me with all the emotion stuff, Mr. Mill. You know me, I am the trying-hard philosophy fan. You are the expert in all I need to know. You know what to say when I need to hear it. You are the philosopher that I need to explain to me everything it is I need to understand about the world. Why this and that happens? How come this and that happen? I really don’t know. I just want you to know how I’m feeling and tell me why I am feeling this. I feel empty. Emptier than the first time you ever saw me.