Finis

When I’m gone, nobody will probably notice – except the people who need something from me. they are the people that suck the life out of me. Every single day of my life, I feel used, I feel used by the same people that I should be getting strength from. I feel used by my family, all the single time. It may be a shallow of an issue – money – but at one point, you will start to question your existence because of that goddamn thing that makes the world go round. I have been dealing shit every single fucking day, my friends know that, and I don’t care if other people wouldn’t. I don’t expect other people to understand me, to listen to everything that I have to say. Just respect me. Respect the fact that even after everything shitty going on in my life, I continue to do the things I’m supposed to do for the single reason that I don’t want to be called a failure. I continue to do the things I do every day even though I am tired of everything just because I want to hold on to something and actually get something in the end. I continue to be a human machine just so no one will be disappointed at what I would not become. But what now? What do they expect me to do? I want out. I want to say goodbye to this world and all the shit it gives me. For months now, I must admit, I am thinking about killing myself just for the purpose of stopping other people to stop using me so their life will be better. Whatever they did in the past was not my fault. Sometimes I wish no one dared to revive me when I was born dead. That way, I don’t have to look at my life as non-sense. My existence is based on people needing me. My existence is based on people who want something from me all the time. When I cannot give anything, I am at fault. When I kill myself, probably, they would stop – or they’ll find another person to commit suicide for them. Sometimes I wish that a car would just hit me and I die on the spot. Sometimes I wish I would never have to wake up and deal will all the crap they’re waiting to let me deal with. I don’t know until when I can go on like this. I just want to disappear, leave this world band just end it like that. Just like that.