Levine

I love Sara Bareilles but I can't help loving this video more because of Adam Levine. Oh, that man. He is adorable in every aspect.

Say hello to my friend - Ave dicere quae amico meo

Dear Mr. Mill,

Today, I will introduce you to a friend.

He is not the type of person that thinks straight from the box. He is someone who's opinion matters, but has a different kind of each. He likes being judges because he thinks that it makes him superior. Being one of a kind is more special than being what all other people are like, right? He is someone who wants to be the one to make me smile when everyone else decides to do otherwise.

A month ago, he was forced to leave us all to take care of some important things abroad. I never understood why he never did something just to have a decent goodbye. He was always the type of person who would do everything when he wants to, you see, he has his own ways in everything. But this time, he failed me. Last night, he told me something I was never expecting to know. Days before he finally left, he decided to set foot and walk a path he has always known. Where it led him? To our place. To the place where memories linger. To the place where we secretly meet to talk about non-sense stuff. To the place where we are used to smoking a lot, pretending other people does not exist. To the place where we are the only ones alive. It made me sad. It made me rethink about my life. It made me realize that truly, time is fast. That all our memories from that day is as ancient as our still blooming friendship. Still, he promises to be back so we can spend more time, create more memories in that place that we call our own.

He is my sweetest friend. He is my Gerard Way, always and forever. He is my smoking buddy. For eternity, I wish everything will stay the way it is despite the fact that we are continents away.

Caring is Lethal - Letalis consectetuer est.

Dear Mr. Mill,

I am not sure about this but I think you are probably growing tired of all the fluff I have to say. You see, I don’t speak to other people much about how I feel. Aside from pretending to care, they sometimes have a habit of turning cold when they want to.

When I first decided to open up myself to the world again, it was the same time my guards forgot their role. I know that I should not depend on and expect other people to be there for me, to show me the concern I want, to give me the attention I need. Jeff Winger in Community says, “Caring is lethal. It’s a disease. Don’t get me involved.” If everyone thinks this way, then maybe I am wrong in trying to ask for care and attention from other people, especially from him.

 It may be true, yeah, but what can I do? I am wired this way – wired to expect much from other people, wired to wait for attention and consistency… always. Even Summer Finn doesn’t even believe in consistency, that no one is programmed to feel the same thing for the rest of their lives. But hell, can’t I desire some consistency when I know this is not what I signed up for?

The problem with people is this: Once they finally got you, they stop doing the things it took to get you. That’s what’s wrong. Of course, you want to be treated the same way like you were treated before. Everyone wants that. However, as we all grow more mature, we have to learn the hard way how everything works. We have to figure out eventually that some people are bound to treat us like crap and make you feel battered and used most of the time. That in this world, there are some people who are willing to point all the wrong on us just because they are too ashamed to admit that they are the ones who wronged you anyway.

Mr. Mill, this life path that I’ve decided to take is long and hard. I could’ve made the tough choice of getting out and leaving everything behind me, yet I chose not to, and that is because of the almost selfish reason that I still believe that there is good in everyone, that in one way or another, they might see the light. I have already lost all my pride; I have already lost all the will to make a change, though.

If I feel crappy like this, if I feel used like I have been feeling almost everyday, if I lose all sense of self-worth; there is only one person to blame. By the time he realizes what he has done, I am finally damaged beyond repair; I have finally lost myself in his shadow. My mind is racing right now, I am too afraid to think of the time when I will become useless to other people that I will end up alone and worthless. I am afraid that the day would come that I will stop being good enough (if ever that day hasn’t come yet). Sometimes it gets too awkward to realize that you have spent too much time trying to be good enough for someone when they are not even exerting any effort to be good enough for you, not even close, not even a little.

Forward we should go - Ibunt ante nos

Dear Mr. Mill,

It has been 8 months and 10 days since I first realized your existence. By far, it is the most memorable and amazing feeling I have felt since I gave up finding reasons to care for anyone. What we have is a one-sided affair where it is only I who does everything.

For the past 8 months, you are one of the typical imperfect person that has that share of the neglect complex. Don’t get me wrong. I am not expecting anything from you in return. I just want this friendship to grow, I want the feeling I have for you to die the natural way, to die like it should. I don’t want to rush into forcing myself to just let go of you and my expectations toward the friendship we could’ve had.

Every day since then I find another reason why we continue to fall apart without doing anything but existing. And every day, I try to fight off that same reasons. It will work, I tell myself. This friendship, this relationship, whatever we have, will grow and will end – in the right time, at our right time. I used to believe that we met at the wrong time, but never for the wrong reason. It was meant to be. I met you because you were to explain to me the philosophies I needed to learn. I met you because I am bound to know that someone is this world can care genuinely about another person without the desire to get her. I met you because God knows I have to. Because if not, I won’t notice you in those photographs where I first saw you face. Because if not, I won’t feel anything upon seeing that picture. Because if not, we are not here where we are – somewhere in the middle and not really moving forward or back.

You are my rock, Mr. Mill. I yearn for you at the most difficult situation all because of the fact that I know you can say something that will totally make me feel better. You are my refuge, Mr. Mill. I find comfort in the shade of your attention and your care. You are my oasis, Mr. Mill. I look for you at the most impossible places hoping to find hope in the darkest of situations. You are the sea in my voyage. Without you, I will not be able to go through my never-ending search for land to step on.

We may have started late and continue to waste more time, but I know, at one way or another, something will spring out of nothing. Someday, when I have not grown tired. Someday when you have finally realized that you are losing a lot by not trying to recognize the very feeling I am trying to keep at bay. Yes, Mr. Mill, someday.

Letters and Appreciation - Sensum Litterae

Dear Mr. Mill,

Writing letters is not my expertise. I only write because I want to, not because I would mail it or anything. I just want to write, put into paper what I feel inside me towards people I either hate or love.

I seldom write letters to him. Matter of fact, I only have written a few short notes just to tell what I feel at the moment. But why short notes? Why not long letters? The one that says it all? The kind of long letters you should be writing for the one you love should make an impact to them, right? I know that I should write to express rather than impress. But how about if you are writing to express but still get nothing? Even a nod of recognition? No nothing?

Most of the time, I question my capacity of keeping all the emotions to myself, thinking of other ways to actually get hold of the ever flowing feelings I have for someone so unappreciative of my feelings, or even my words. I grow tired of constantly saying the 8-lettered words in everything I write about him. It's just not worth it, maybe.

I used to be so vocal, I used to speak sweet words. I just used to be a different person back then. Back when my words are appreciated and given its due recognition.

The English Version: Finding nothing in the nothingness of nothing - Invenientes in nihilo nihil

Dear Mr. Mill,

It has been a long time since I last thought of spending the time writing to you. For the past months, you have become nothing but a distant memory of the short-term happiness I once had in my hands. You were my rock, my star, for a short period of time, but suddenly, in the blink of an eye, in a split second, you were gone as fast as you came into my life. I can never be too sure about anything. I swallowed my pride just to let you know how I feel, it was not a way of forcing you to reciprocate: actually, it was a way of telling you I had to let you go. It was as simple as letting everything out then finally getting over it. Everything works that way, right?

You have been ignoring me for as long as I can remember. I don't know where to put myself. You suddenly make your existence felt and as fast as you made a move, the faster you're gone. A lot of things have changed since we last talked. I was not the depressed piece of shit you once knew. I have finally learned to divert emotions into other things. At least some of it. I'm not good at such things. I was a pessimist by choice, you know that. As long as you keep on neglecting me, I will go on waiting for you. But that's not a promise nor an assurance. It's just how I feel at the moment. I still need you to listen to me, that's all. You are my refuge, my oasis in the desert, the sea of my life-long voyage.

PS. You should really be flattered that someone notices your existence in a sea of people. It's not everyday you meet someone like me, who's willing to go the extra mile just to let you know how special you are.

On selfishness and inequality - adrogantiam et inaequalitas in

Dear Mr. Mill,

You are quite aware that life is created unfair. But why? To make way for certain people to grow as human, to grow as they are supposed to be. Life is created unfair because if not, would we desire to grow? Would we desire to actually make a change, be the change and make something happen in our lives? Of course not. The only thing that has been making this world go around are one of these two things or both - selfishness and inequality.

Let's take selfishness. All of us have that tendency to actually neglect other people because of our own selfish reasons. Set aside neglect, we all have the tendency to think of ourselves as superior among others that without our lead, they are nothing. We all have that tendency to be selfish because of the same reason that we care about no one but ourselves. Don't get me wrong, it is not wrong to care about yourself more than other people. But as we take our own selfish path, we fail to realize that people have feelings, too. It's not just us who suffer, or it's not just him, or not that her. No individual person suffers all by himself. The fact that we have let other people into our lives is a clear indication that we want them to partake in our sufferings, our pain, everything, but till when? The extremity of selfishness comes when we fail to recognize other people. Yes, we suffer, we hurt, we feel like everything is going nowhere and we might as well die while taking all the crap other people has to offer.

When we are submerged into our own flood of selfishness, we see no one. Not even the people who cares about us, not even the people who has been there all along, not even the people who are willing to share with the pain just so we could power on. For our own selfish reasons, we fail to realize that while we are hurting, the people who are willing to share with the pain is suffering just the same, that while they have their own crosses to bear, they are there with us, willing to suffer, or even take all the pain so we could not feel anything but their love.

Let's take inequality in the aspect of its name. Remember when we are told that we should not do something that we don't want others to do to us? In a way it's right. I understand very well the thought that it is respect towards other people that makes us have some equality in our bones. However, the case is not always the same. The point on equality is not something the usual soul-altering offenses of corrupt officials to their country but rather a simple act of doing what you want just because you want to do it and expecting other people not to do it because you won't let them. The issue here is not the fact that we are trying to be independent and not letting other people interfere with our affairs, but what's other people got to do? They exist for a reason. They are there to tell us what to and what not to do when we are blinded by our own clouded judgments. in the same way, it should have a vice versa effect on other people. When the time comes that they are also as blinded as we are with their judgments, we should be there to tell them what to and what not to do the same way that they would. But that is not always the case. Because most the time, we believe that we are as independent as we thought to be, we make inequality our ally. We let them do what they want to do and expect them to do the same.

However, life does not work that way, It should work as a two-way street, a give and take, an advantage to both parties not just for one. Inequality in the very sense of the word should not be a way of life for us. We should allow some equality every once in a while. We should let equality do some impact every now and then. As we are all aware, people are only people, they have their limitations, they have their turning points, they have their epiphany. Let's not make selfishness and inequality take away the people who should be in our life. Let not selfishness and inequality make us a wrecked human with no one to turn to. Controlling how we deal with others and how we deal with our life is not something that should be told to us, it is something that we should figure out on our own.

As Aldous Huxley puts it, "It is a bit embarrassing to have been concerned with the human problem all one's life and find at the end that one has no more to offer by way of advice than "try to be a little kinder."

Selfishness is only thinking about yourself and your purposes and taking for granted everything else. Inequality is your will to do something for yourself and not wanting other people to do the same. The Golden Rule says it all, "Do not do unto others what you don't want others to do unto you." It's as simple as that.

But why has selfishness and inequality power the world? Because without selfishness and inequality, we are not human. We don't feel anything. We are contented if these two does not exist, but we are incomplete. We feel nothing. We yearn for nothing from other people. We expect nothing. Just when other people say that the more you expect, the more you will be disappointed is true, but at least, it is part of being human. At least we know that the unseen wounds that hurt the most at night exists. At least we know that we are alive.